Not feeling. That's me. Not feeling anything. & not just today, but for months. So many months that it adds up to years. It was getting to be way too much. It was getting to the point of unbearable. It was getting so bad that I was unable to cope. Today is day 1. Day 1 that should have happened a long time ago. I am sure you're just as confused as me. Since I don't even truly know what is holding me down, taking away my joy, crushing my spirit. I am not feeling sad. & I am not filled with joy. & I do not want to be around people all that much. Not feeling anything is scary. Not feeling anything is lonely. I am feeling empty & hollow. Let me tell you something that is terrifying. Once I finally start to feel things. I felt everything all at once. Like a tidal wave hitting you & drowning you to the bottom of the ocean. I am not doing that well lately. And it is fairly clear to my family & husband. Yesterday I got diagnosed. And honestly it's not that big of a deal. But every time I talk about it I cry. Like ugly mom sobbing. As I cried the thoughts flooded my head of wondering why I can't do it without a pill. Wondering why I can't manage my life without a pill. One little pill & for some reason I feel like taking that pill makes me less of a mother, less of a wife. Makes me have less value. Simply because I am unable to cope. Yesterday I got diagnosed. & today I took a pill. Maybe this pill will make me better. A better mom. A better wife. A better version of myself. Yesterday I got diagnosed & today is day 1 of taking a pill that hopefully helps manage what is downing me & holding my joy hostage. For years I worried myself sick that I needed to live forever, simply because I am a full-time caregiver with 2 boys with severe needs. Until it dawned on me that there is no point in worrying about living , not living & for how long. When I am alive right now & never was willing in the past to get my affairs in order or simply take care of myself. Because it seemed selfish to put myself first. I can finally stop worrying about living forever and actually try to be around forever. Since I decided it isn't selfish to get help, practice self care or take the damn pill. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I got diagnosed with severe anxiety. And today I took a pill not feeling like a failure but feeling like this is what I needed to be my best self.

Posted by journeyforavery at 2022-09-01 00:53:13 UTC