" I don't know what is going on with you but I can tell something is off. " - One of my dear friends messaged me. I never responded to the message the other day. Mostly because part of me was exploding with sadness and stress all at the same time. 20 mins later another message that read…. " You are strong as f%*k & everything that has happened in your life, you have handled with grace. You got through it all with no one holding your hand. You can get through anything, love ." I never responded to that message either but maybe this post will explain everything. Life has been heavy on my heart. Almost like a double life I have been living which is exhausting all on its own. Today is the day I find out what comes next in my story which is f%cking terrifying. Today is the day I find out what happens if I am no longer here sooner than anyone is ready for. Today was the day that should be celebrated. And yet I was intensely stressed & ridged with crippling anxiety. Waiting. Endless waiting. Waiting for one phone call. Just so you know today is me and my husband's wedding anniversary. And yet for me it was nothing to celebrate till I received the phone call. The phone call to say what is next for me in this life. So let me explain a while back I started going to the doctor which resulted in appointments, testing, labs, scans & all the things. No one really knew because that's the news you don't tell people & you keep to yourself till you're forced to tell. You don't tell your family because they worry. You don't tell friends because you don't want to bother them. I simply didn't tell anyone mostly because I was scared f%cking shit less that I was going to be tits up. For the last handful of days, I have cried a lot thinking about what news I might hear about my health. Many tears I have cried mostly because I don't want my story to be over. There is more I want to experience, there is more I want to do & I am not done being here for my children. Let me tell you once you think your last days might become a reality your priorities shift, you think real quick about what you need done and lined up. I wanted to wait to celebrate today. Because maybe the phone call I was patiently waiting for was the shittest of news. I prepared myself for the doctor to say that I had some type of cancer because that was the concern originally. Now let me tell you why. Unkind. I have been unkind to my body throughout my life. I have been having some health troubles that were concerning & needed to be addressed. I have used and abused my body for many years plus we live a very high stress filled life. The news that would royally mess up our family & leave a huge hole in our daily dynamic of being more than just a mother but a full-time caregiver to our 2 boys. The news that I was fully preparing myself today NEVER happened. Yes you read that correctly. Life has been heavy on my heart. Because I thought my life was going to be cut short as of today. Today was the day I found out that my health is not perfect but what comes next in my story is up to me because I am not going anywhere. Today was the day I found out good news & I cried on the phone while receiving the good news that cancer is not part of my story. For the rest of today we are celebrating. We are celebrating an 8 year marriage anniversary. We are celebrating that I won't be tits up anytime soon. We are celebrating & our cake says Happy Anniversary but it should say " Another day celebrated together " because I truly thought this would be one of the last I would be around for.

Posted by journeyforavery at 2022-10-26 01:10:12 UTC